Whether you’re wearing a pair of aviators (effortlessly cool), some Wayfarers (unleash your inner rock goddess), or even those funny, bug-eyed sunglasses (I never do quite understand fashion, but somehow—they work), there’s no outfit that isn’t a little more complete by a pair of sunglasses. While protecting your eyes and the surrounding facial areas is important, sunglasses don’t exist solely to shield your delicate skin from the sun’s harsh rays. There are social reasons, beauty reasons and even health reasons for wearing sunglasses. They are so much more than your eye’s guardian from the sun—they are your guardian from life itself.
Lil Wayne said it best in his track, “Bill Gates”: “Dark ass shades / I can’t see them haters.” Once you slip those sunglasses past the bridge of your nose, people disappear. You’re free to roam about in your own, protected, hater-free realm in peace and quiet.
Sunglasses are best used in this situation when you’re walking from your residence hall to the classroom.
It’s 7 in the morning and you’re still unsure as to why you’re awake. You woke up this morning wondering when you could go to bed. Sunglasses have got you covered. Whilst you sit in your morning commute on the bus or train assaulted by bright fluorescent lights, let alone, the sun, slip on your sunglasses. Not only has your bus or train car become as dark as a movie theatre, but now you can sleep peacefully while in transit.
Try not to drop your head onto the shoulder of the passenger next to you.
Guys aren’t the only ones who can stare at others in a nearly-predatory manner whilst on public transportation. In New York, avoiding eye contact with all humanity is a must when riding the subway. How then, pray tell, are you supposed to stare at all of the hot men on the subway?
Sunglasses, my friends, sunglasses. You’re merely staring at the 700th Dr. Jonathan Zizmor advertisement—not you. God, you’re so self-centered!
With your sunglasses on, no one can see your eyes—duh, that’s a given. Why not use this to your advantage? Walking down the street and spot someone you know who irritates the ever-living sh*t out of you? Don’t feel like talking to them? Pretend you didn’t see them.
“Oh, did you see me? I’m so sorry—I must’ve not seen you!” You lie through your teeth as you grin and bear getting through a sunglass-less conversation with this forsaken individual three cloudy days later.
Sometimes, the individual you’re trying to avoid like the plague is aggressive and stops you in your tracks. He or she just had to tell you all about the cool things he or she is doing and how he or she is far more impressive than you (NEWS FLASH: I’M BORED).
Thanks to your sunglasses, you need not hide your distain. Let those eyes roll.
Walking down the street with no sunglasses is kind of okay. I mean, you’re doing your own thing, people don’t know who you are—the usual stuff, you know? The only problem, though, is that they can see your face (I’m not calling you ugly, calm down).
There’s a reason when you want to quickly protect someone’s identity, you put a black bar across their eyes in photos. Think of sunglasses as your real-life black identity protector. Once those sunglasses go on your face and block your eyes from the general populace, you are now a walking mystery. The mysteriousness is amplified if you’re wearing all black. Try it out.
Sometimes, our boss outfit just doesn’t feel enough without a pair of shades. Like, sure, these skinny jeans are cool, torn and bad*ss, but my face doesn’t say “badass” (unless you have a chronic case of resting bitch face). Putting on those sunglasses creates the air of mystery mentioned in the entry above and can only add to your coolness factor.
If you catch yourself saying, “Caroline, you don’t look cooler than me in your sunglasses!,” that’s because I definitely look cooler than you and you’re feeling immensely insecure in your coolness factor. Grab a pair of shades.
Sunglasses, no matter how grumpy and irritable you may be from your lack of sleep, will be your best friend defending the public from the enormous bags underneath your eyes. Whether you need giant, bug-eye sunglasses or just a pair of regular sized sunglasses is up to your discretion. Defend your air of mystery by masking over the tears pricking your eyes because you’re so tired. No one needs to know that you’re that exhausted.